Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
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[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.