I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
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Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
mariah carrie
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.