“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
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“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.