[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
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Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?