“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
You Might Also Like
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
#Caturday
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.