were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings