If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
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I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Nomnomnomnom
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?