I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
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I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.