If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
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Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Choose your fighter
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.