I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
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netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?