Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
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Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.