Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
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I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.