You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
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Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
dream blunt rotation
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
#parenting
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane