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Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.