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Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Oh thanks BBC.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.