I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
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[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.