How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
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*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
dutch so unserious
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.