*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
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At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
How dramatic are you?