I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
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You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Always…
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood