Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
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What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I cannot call her anything else now
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
no their not
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*