“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
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And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
At Walmart during the holidays like..