Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
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Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.