Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
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The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Ah yes. The three genders
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out