Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
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True freaking story!
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.