If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
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[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
welp
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.