I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
You Might Also Like
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!