Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
You Might Also Like
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
This has made my week.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
You deplete me
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.