My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
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People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
“Theirye’re” problem solved
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
the red hot silly peppers
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!