I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
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Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Harsh but fair
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
This could’ve been an email.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.