It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
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ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
How about daylight saves us for once
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex