a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
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Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.