With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
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My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I weigh at least 17 squirrels