me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
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“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…