I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
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I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I didn’t come here to be called names
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.