[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
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Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
japanese corn
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.