on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
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flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old