ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
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I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone