Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
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I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
My love language is hissing.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
🙂🐾
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.