I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
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Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Cinematography is my passion
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..