I’m calling the cops.
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British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.