I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
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Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
i- i did not expect this
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Smile they said.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
wish me luck lads
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I know karate and tons of other words.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”