My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
absolute chaos
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.