FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
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Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
how it started vs how it ended
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
The French cow says MEUX…
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party