Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
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There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.