I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
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The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
God has abandoned us.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.