Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
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Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”