TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
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It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
True freaking story!
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.