A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
You Might Also Like
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend