Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
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Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.