Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
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Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
when mom throws a party…
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
This is me 🤣🤣
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
this is the best day of my life
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon